Happiness

I'm really intrigued by this web site: The Happiness Project. The concept of working at happiness is very interesting to me. I never really thought about it, but I guess I would have assumed that happiness was more something based in your personality, or something that happened to you. Not that it was something you could choose to work towards. It's so much nicer to assume that you can choose happiness.

The website has all these steps, with resolutions and commandments and such (all stuff you make yourself) and I don't know that I want to go the whole hog with it. I'm not sure I need all the structure. But some of the phrases and reminders really resonate with me. Like "choose not to care." Fascinating. I know this might sound like I'm slow or whatever, but I've never thought about it that way. I'm usually quite self-conscious (probably because I'm somewhat judgmental) and just thinking that I could choose not to care. Wow. Like, I could go to the gym and choose not to care that the woman on the treadmill next to me is running the whole time while I'm walking and that she stays in the gym longer than me. I could just not care. Not compare myself, not get discouraged, just not care.

The other phrase that's been going through my head (not from the website) is "do for yourself." I feel like I catch moods like they are contagious germs and when the people around me are cranky, I'm cranky. I want them to change so I can change. I'm realizing that's crap. I can do for myself. If someone else is pissy, I can try to help, and if they don't want the help, I can leave them alone and still be happy. I can be cheery (not aggressively, obviously) when others are not. This is SUCH a revelation for me. Which again, makes me sound slow, but considering how much I was at the mercy of the moods of others from 0-18 years old, this is incredible.

This whole growing older thing is scary a bit--I had a panic moment while falling asleep a few weeks ago about turning 29--but there are upsides. I certainly have more perspective on things. And I'm more open to other ideas and other ways of being. And I'm waaay less dramatic and self-important than when I was 19. God, I remember how very serious I was back then. If you had to deal with that, I'm so sorry.

Of course, in 10 years I'll look back and want to apologize to people who knew me when I was 29 for all the craziness I inflicted upon them. But if you stick around, I'll try to keep improving!

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Family Time

What a relaxing, fascinating, and family-filled five days I had. I took the Megabus (on time!) to St. Louis on Thursday. I love the Megabus, mainly for its stopping midpoint "Dixie Trucker's Home" in McLean, IL.

While in St. Louis, I got to see my grandparents in their home. I don't think I've been to their place in years. I kinda love her decorating sense. It's really specifically her, with Asian accessories from their travels and her seashell collection. I did more recording of stories from grandma and grandpa and borrowed all their family history documents to scan and copy. Someday (hopefully soon) I'm going to do something with all of this. They do have some great records from grandpa's family, both his mother and his father's side. Not much from grandma's side of the family, though. The scanning of the records was tedious, but I'm glad I did it.

I also got in a early morning (but still brutally hot) walk at the Botanic Gardens, one of my favorite places in the world. Of course, all my St. Louis food requirements were met: Cecil Whittaker's pizza, Ted Drew's frozen custard, and Gus's pretzels.

My mom's younger brother and his wife were in town, so I got to hang out with them, along with my in-town aunt and uncle. There was even a violin and guitar duet. And my cousin and I went out to dinner and then played with her animals (So cute--her dog is 1,000% times energetic than old-man Jake, which makes me appreciate his mellowness even more)

Most of the time, I stayed at home with mom and dad and read. I just couldn't help grinning, stretched out on the couch while they sat in their chairs, all of us reading quietly. It was companionable and lovely. Just sipping coffee, and discussing what we would (or would not) do that day. I joked that it was an all-expense paid resort vacation, and it really was that relaxing. I so appreciated spending time with them without the pressure of the holidays or large groups of people to organize. Just us, just sitting around, watching Top Gear and being leisurely. I felt like not just their child visiting, but like an old friend spending time. It's so nice to be an adult with my parents, to have time when the baggage of past family stresses aren't relevant.)

I took the train back yesterday. Amtrak was early! Unprecedented! So now I'm back to "normal" life, as much as summer vacation with part-time work can be described as normal. I've been so afraid of being bored that I have about five projects (scrapbooking, my before 30 list, the family history, learning some Spanish, reading up on autism, and the Sims 3). Of course, I won't be able to finish most of them, but that's okay. Nothing is required during the summer, which is the beautiful thing about it.

In unrelated news: I just bought a bunch of music for the first time in a loooong time, and I'm loving the Lily Allen. I am apparently a shameless pop fan. The music is frothy, and the lyrics are very honest and slightly cruel, in an insightful way. Who knew?

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Summer

Now is the most glorious time of the year. School is ending, and the last week of work is nothing but packing, planning for next year, and giving out candy like nobody's business. (It's "celebrating accomplishments" even when the only accomplishment was showing up to class once every couple of days)

I'm trying to keep my summer full enough that I don't get bored, but with stretches of vast beautiful nothingness, otherwise known as beach time. There are all sorts of things I SHOULD do this summer, like learn some Spanish, read up on autism treatment modalities, go meet with social services agencies near my work, and other various and sundry social work professional development. And there are also so many things I WANT to do, like go to dozens of outdoor festivals and fairs, travel to see family, stay up all night and sleep all day, and have drinks with umbrellas in them. Plus there's all the organization projects I leave until summer--clothing purge for Goodwill, going through all my photos, and repainting some walls that are getting ugly.

I have such a pleasant feeling of anticipation and good intentions. Who knows how much of all of this will actually happen, but it's nice to think of the possibilities.

Hell, maybe I'll even take up blogging again!

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Spring Broke

You know what really stinks? Getting a 102 degree fever halfway through spring break. When Mom and Dad visited for Easter, I had to send them to Milwaukee while I took a nap. (Okay, they chose to go to Milwaukee, but I had to send them somewhere, because I felt lousy and needed to snooze).

But I'm back to normal now. I went to the gym today, which marks at least 4 weeks of regular gym visits. Tomorrow I get to talk to auditors who want to make sure that everything on site is all legal and stuff. Seeing as how the last social worker they talked to said some interesting things, I'm sure they'll have questions for me.

Jake the dog is being a weirdo. He keeps making me roll my desk chair away from my desk so he can go flop down in the space under my desk where my feet go. But he's a big dog, so that means there is no room for my feet. He usually only goes under there when Rib and I are cranky, and as far as I can tell, no one is cranky, so I'm not sure what's up.

Okay, I must go because there are absolutely fascinating smells coming from the kitchen and I have a rumbly in the tumbly.

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Spring Break

I don't count yesterday as the start of my spring break, since I had to go to a workshop on "Children of Divorce." Which, in its 4 hours, gave me exactly 2 ideas to use. To be fair, it probably would have given me many more ideas if I worked with a different soci0-economic class of client.

So today is my spring break start. I have 8 days until I go back to work, and 5 days until my parents come in town. And what will I do to kick off my spring break? Make a list. Because I am boring, and lists are the warm blankets of structure that surround me during dangerous free time. I'm not so boring that part of the list isn't going to include "Flop on futon at 1pm on a weekday. Look at clock. Rejoice that you are flopping on the futon at 1pm." And tomorrow (depending on the ticket situation) might include attending a freezing freakin cold Opening Day baseball game.

There are things I want to accomplish, and I know I'll be happier about my week at the end of it if I get something done. So here I go, off to list-make. Wish me luck!

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Spring Cleaning

It's been brought to my attention that this blog has been abandoned. Like, "cobwebs in the corner, tumbleweeds of dust, and a reputation for being haunted by the neighborhood kids" levels of abandoned.

How have I let it go on this long?

Well, if you remember in my last post, I was just about to move to a new site for work. Gone are my cushy 6.25 hour days (god bless the union!). In their place are eight to ten hour days, during which I'm still not finishing everything I want to/need to/should ideally finish. I've got nonstop clients in and out of my office, with crisis after crisis and attention-need after attention-need.

I enjoy and care about each and every one of these kids--fortunately, there isn't a single one that I haven't found likable. But there are just too darn many of them. My caseload--the mandated clients I have to attend meetings for and write treatment plans and see monthly--is at about 75. But the site population is about 2,000. And I am the go-to person for all 2,000 of those people when they have any mental health concerns. Or social concerns. Or family concerns.

So as you can see, it's a little overwhelming. The state guidelines recommend a social worker to population ration of 1:800. Since I have help (sort of--her caseload is about 10) two days a week, our site's ratio is 1.4: 2,000. That shit ain't right.

The non-mental health staff is mainly supportive, but some portions are politically toxic. I've got allies and friends, but I have to be careful about what I say and who I say it to. There are so many things I want to do, but I can't step on toes, plus I barely have time to eat lunch, much less create proactive projects.

I have some ideas for how to make it all more manageable, and I'm reaching out to resources that might be able to help me. I'm committing (in my head) to this site until June 2010. At that point, I take my LCSW exam and can rethink my options. So that's the work update.

The rest of my life is what's holding me together from the work stress. Rib and I went on a fantastic vacation in February to see my grandparents. Beaches, warm weather, fried shrimp, and the best family stories ever told. We're planning on heading down to see them in St. Louis this summer to continue the family history.

I'm taking classes at Loyola for a certificate that will make me look all fancy, resume wise. It's a bit of work, with meetings every other week, monthly conference calls, and weekly online content. I am learning, though, and making connections with colleagues.

Instead of a 101, I have a 15 before 30 (15 things to do before I turn 30 years old) that I'm working on..slowly. I've just restarted gym visits, since a gym opened about a block from my apartment--absolutely no excuses now. My goal is once a week until June, and then I can go exercise outside during my summer vacation. I've purchased yarn to make a baby blanket to donate, but haven't started yet. My mental energy has not been up to learning a new crochet stitch, but I'll get there.

Life with Rib is obnoxiously good. He's in classes for computer stuff, and working a full time job of keeping me sane. I honestly don't know what I would do without him. His family in Texas was a hoot, and 90% in a good way. I got to pet a horse and a cow and have a five year old boyfriend. Last weekend we went down to his mom's on the southside to celebrate the Irish Parade and get sloshed on the street at 11am. Plus, he's gotten me addicted to artichokes served with lemon butter dipping sauce. So there's that.

Okay, so did that make up for the three months of not posting? Probably not. Will I return to semi-regular posting? I dunno. But at least for this moment, you are up to date on the life of the Anne!

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Frantic Holidays

Work has been a roller-coaster. I finally feel settled and like I'm starting to get good at my job. So of course, the powers-that-be are moving me. I'm going from serving three small sites to one really large site. Depending on my mood, I've been describing this as crushing or empowering. I'm not excited to leave the comfort I've come to feel at my current sites. I know everyone, I have a place set, there is a certain routine. Not to mention the bonds I have with my clients, and the difficulty of transitioning them to a new worker. But the move is a vote of confidence in me. My boss thinks I can handle it. And it is a mess.

The last social worker at that site had to get out of Dodge right quick because of some conflicts with other staff. Plus the last worker wasn't so hot at completing paperwork. Whoops. The caseload is about double what I have now, and the site itself has triple the population. Oh, and The Bureaucracy's watchdog agency is coming to look over the site in the spring.

When I reflect too long on the facts in the above paragraph, I start veering from empowering back to crushed. But I remind myself that this is stability and I wanted one full time placement eventually anyway, so here's my chance. And I have a private office with a window and a lovely view, and those things are like gold in my line of work. This is a chance to grow as a social worker, to try new things, to have a more important position. Basically, I'm doing some cognitive restructuring on myself. I love that my education lets me mess with my own head.

The other thing messing with my head (besides me and my shrink) is my upcoming trip to meet Rib's extended family in Texas. All my anxiety is focused on packing right now. What do I wear?! The weather will range from 50's to 70's, according to today's forecast. Other than the actual holidays, I don't know what we are going to do with all that time (seven whole days. I hate packing tons of stuff, so I'm trying to be efficient, but I don't want to wear the same jeans for six days. I realize what I'm doing: trying to be extra controlling over the only thing I actually control. I'm not so good at being zen.

In summary, neurosis out of control up in here lately. Rib is responding like a champ, bless him. And I'm starting to have moments of confidence about the holidays and work. If I can just start to stretch those moments into hours and then days...then I'll be getting somewhere.

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